Breakdowns are Plenty and Close Together (as opposed to Few and Far Between)!

After many years of keeping it together I have officially lost my strength. It has become more then clear to me that this process is no where near close to over and we have no choice but to suffer through it. Cutting our losses and setting our sights on another opportunity is simply not an option as I know that one day "Sadie" will be available for adoption and when that day comes I want us to be her parents - but fear of the unknown (like WHEN WILL THAT BE) is enough to drive a sane girl mad. The last time I felt like this I was jacked up on enough fertility drugs to kill a horse. But that was hormone induced and well this - this is bureaucratically induced. When I think that this delay is caused solely by the government and its procedures I want to SCREAM.
I have analyzed this over and over in my head and what I have come up with is this: Aunty- Smokes- A- Lot is close to her brother (aka: the birthfather) and he may have a lot of influence over her (as he is at least 8 years older then her). If he tells her to adopt this little girl then I think that is exactly what she will attempt to do. Why? because I doubt she understands the magnitude of this - so why not? If she agrees to make an adoption plan for "Sadie" then we are up the creek so to speak, because although we believe that she is not going to be proven "fit to parent" in the end, it will take months and months for this determination to happen. It could possibly even take a year or more. I just don't know if we have the stamina for that. That realization breaks my heart. Every week we watch this case go from bad to worse...can I continue to do that for much longer? Honestly, I just don't know!
Why it has taken 4 weeks for this Aunt to find out she is being expected to adopt "Sadie" not just take temporary care of her, is beyond me. It seems to me she should have been told from day 1 that its all or nothing and there is no in between. A phone call 4 weeks ago would have solved all this waiting and questioning - why did that phone call take so long to happen?
I believe we all have choices in life - and although I feel that our choices have been severely reduced we still have one choice left - either we are all in or we walk away?
Something tells me this choice will be made for us very shortly. So we wait.

Oh and the cherry on our cake is Birthmother called us today to tell us she submitted her paperwork to the courts - this paper work was supposed to read "I hereby relinquish all rights to "Sadie and support the request for Crown wardship petition" or it could have read "I choose to contest the crown wardship that the Children's Aid Society is seeking". Guess which of the following was submitted?? YEP! you guessed it! She contested the crown wardship!!! WHY? She said her lawyer made a mistake - She said she would fix it...but I am certain that little mistake will take months to rectify.

I simply cannot believe our luck. Blows me away really!!!

Update

WE just received this from our CAS adoption worker today - its not much, but better then not hearing anything at all I suppose. I don't know what to think - but there is a good possibility things might not turn out for us after all...

"just to let you know that my supervisor just had a long conversation with
Birthfather's sister today. She seemed to be unaware of the need for a
permanent plan for "Sadie" when given that information. She stated that her
plan really was to help her brother until he got things together and that
this changed things, in terms of permanent plans for "Sadie". The Aunt was
also informed about the steps that she would need to go through in order to
proceed with training, and a homestudy, should she want to be considered to
adopt "Sadie". They had a detailed conversation and at the end of it, it was
decided that The Aunt needed to talk with her brother again. She stated that
she will be moving soon (but gave a cell number) and that she would be able to
call my supervisor back next week, with an answer as to whether or not her
plan would be permanent or not. So, that is the next step.... My Supervisor will call
The Aunt again if she has not heard from her by mid week.


So, next week? check in with me by Thursday ok? Hang in there"


I fear we are spinning our wheels here and we may never see a light at the end of this long and dark tunnel.

I just feel defeated and hopeless. I guess I am just having a bad day / week/ year!

I can hardly breath through my anger.

Honestly, I hate to be the one to feel sorry for myself - but sometimes its all a person can take.
We have spent thousands of dollars registering with private adoption agencies only to never have that investment pay off for us, then we spend thousands on a private home study because we cannot get CAS to do one for us for free (they are not accepting any couples that want to adopt Babies). Then we decided to shell out thousands ($$$$) for an international adoption (cause honestly it seems like that is our only shot at realizing our dreams)... Then after mailing in the final check for this international agency (even though we are years away from getting our little girl from Vietnam - they expect payment) we get the call from CAS regarding "Sadie". So all said and done we have spent well over $16,000.00 and we are still babyless - not to mention what we spent on fertility treatments (at least $20,000 - but I stopped counting) - again this was all for nothing.
So today is the cherry on my cake!!! After consulting a lawyer last week regarding "Sadies" case....a lawyer whom I might add did not help us in the least - only rained on our parade, this man had the nerve to send us a bill for $525.00, just for reading some emails I sent him between me and the CAS. Oh the best part was, attached to the bill he had the nerve to tell us to "Think of this adoption in very tentative terms." aka: I would look elsewhere to fulfill your dreams. Seriously? He spent aprox. 30 minutes reading some emails I forwarded to him...and then TOLD ME NOTHING I didn't already know.

How can people live with themselves - they should be ashamed!

ps: Paul just found out he is loosing his job do to his plant closing this coming winter. Things just get better and better for us every day!

I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!

Lawyer was not the way to go on this one....

Well we finally heard back from our lawyer and he was LESS then helpful. He was downright discouraging and told us perhaps we should just forget about this one. Told us to "Keep all our irons in the fire should this not pan out for us". Gee Thanks!!! Don't forget to send us a bill for that stellar advice!!!

So after getting the "great" advice from our Lawyer we were feeling defeated as usual...then we got an email from our CAS worker... it went something like this:

"Hi Meagan & Paul,
I hope that you are still hanging in there through thisdifficult and very frustrating process. I wanted to let you know that we have made some progress and hope to have some more answers by the end of the month. Birthmother has until Nov 28th to file and answer with the courts (as to herplan for "Sadie") and we have to wait that out... The family service worker obtained the consents from Birthdad to speak with his sister and determine her plan. The FSW called her Tuesday and spoke to Birthdad as he answered the phone. She asked that Aunty-Smokes-A-Lot call her back, which she has not done as of the end of the day today. Worker is not in the office on Friday, but will call again Monday and talk wtih her then. Then the determination needs to be made as to whether this is a permanent or temporary plan. The agency is obligated to assess the plan either way, but it makes a difference as to how things proceed. I have let the workers know that you are still willing to foster "Sadie", and take the risk of losing her. Please check in with me again after Nov 28th and I hope to have a bitmore info at that point. The child service worker and I are advocating for "Sadie" to be in a more permanent home with you, rather than a temporary one. We will talk soon."

Time to call in the BIG GUNS!

So after my nervous breakdown on Thursday it was time to regroup. Patience was clearly not prevailing here so we thought legal counsel might be the way to go. We called the best lawyer in town (he comes highly recommended in these types of cases) and we told him our story. He said "he could definitely help us out" saying that although we assume that CAS knows how to handle these cases legally they often do not. It is often out of their realm of legal knowledge. He proceeded to tell us that on average only around 8 cases with this kind of complications come to light each year and of those 8 cases more then half of them are in "Private Adoption Scenarios". So, as it turns out, calling him was a smart move. He is going to look into this for us and give them a call on Monday and explain their legal options to them. He said that if it's only a phone call keeping our family apart then he should be able to resolve this quite easily! Simply by just calling whoever he needs to call (aka: the Aunt or Birthfather or Lawyer).

Brilliant isn't it? That is why we hired the guy. Because clearly the obvious does not escape HIM.

FINALLY!!! Somebody out there gets it. Sure we have to pay him to GET IT, but he gets it and that is going to be worth every last penny.

So at the 11th hour when things could not look more bleak. A night in shinning armor came riding into our world to save the day.

Don't you just love modern day heroes? I know I sure do!

It's Official - I lost my mind tonight!

For the first time since we started down this adoption road over a year ago, I lost my composure tonight. I thought I was ok - just rolling with the punches, but the stupidity and negligence of this whole thing made me crack. Paul came home to find me on our living room floor teary eyed and mad at the world. Frustration is a terrible thing to go through - and just like when I was a kid - I threw a tantrum!

Then to add insult to injury I had to go to "Adoption Training" tonight. For those of you that know me well - I do not know how to fake it. When I am mad and sad and frustrated I cannot hide it. So I sat there tonight with a scowl on my face and fighting back tears. One of our instructors noticed I was not "Myself" so I explained to her what was going on...she said that this situation is not black and white and there are things that could be done to get "Sadie" into our home. She wondered why our worker was not exercising those options. Hmmmm??? She asked us if they had started our homestudy update (which they have not) and wondered why they were not getting the ball rolling on that??? We wonder the same thing - I mean if they truly planned on placing "Sadie" with us in the future then would they not want us to be ready to go when that time comes?
All signs point to "we are not getting her anytime soon!".

We have jumped through every hoop, exhausted all of our financial resources and been to every training known to man - but still the universe does not see fit to grant us our one and only wish.

We just want to be parents!!! What is it going to take?

But more importantly do we/I have the stamina to continue down this never ending path?

I am not so sure anymore! WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?

Seriously are we on Candid Camera?? Because this can't really be happening!

After getting the "Great News" on Monday afternoon from the Birthmother we thought we would be a shoe in for the role of "Sadie's" parents...our first mistake was getting our hopes up and our second mistake was assuming common sense would prevail in this case.
I contacted CAS as soon as I heard about this letter of intent on Monday and I finally heard back from our case worker last night at 7:30pm. She said that although it appears that "Aunty-Smokes- A- Lot" is not fit to parent "Sadie" they still NEED to TALK to HER in PERSON before they can move "Sadie" into our home. They need to hear from her mouth directly that she only wants to take care of "Sadie" temporarily and is NOT interested in ADOPTING HER PERMANENTLY. Until our case worker hears those words from her mouth then their hands are tied.
BUT....and here is the kicker, CAS is not allowed to contact Aunty-Smokes-A-Lot themselves. They have to wait until they have a signed consent by the birthfather in order to contact this prospective Aunt.
So to reiterate, they are "Sadie's" temporary guardians, and they are responsible for her well being - but they are NOT ALLOWED to contact someone who is apparently putting forth a "Care Plan" for this little girl. How screwed up is that?

Does any of this make any sense to anyone out there - cause Paul and I are completely in awe of this system.

Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Could The Gods Possibly Be Smilling???

We got word today from a letter of intent sent by the birthdad that "Auntie-Smokes-Alot" has been under investigation by CAS in the past regarding her own children and her questionable care. She has two boys, one of which is autistic, she is on social assistance, is recently single, and plans to return to the army reserves in the near future... There are more gory details, but you get the picture.

So that seals that deal....she is simply not going to be a suitable caregiver for "Sadie". Any judge could see that!

We hope to hear from CAS this week and finally get some good news. This "custody plan" is not going to be a viable idea afterall and we should be able to take "Sadie" home with us in the next couple of weeks. It might be wishful thinking on our parts...but wishful thinking is all we have at this point.
So here is to wishes coming true. CHEERS!

Maybe this will happen afterall!

I finally spoke with our CAS case worker on Friday afternoon and she said they (her supervisor and other case workers) strongly considered what I wrote to them last week and agree with many of my points on foster placement. They believe, as we do, that "Sadie" is better off placed with us sooner rather then later. However, they need to check into this whole "Aunt Situation" and see if she is seeking PERMANENT or TEMPORARY custody. If she is only seeking temporary custody (until her brother can get his act together) then the Children's Aid will deny her request and place "Sadie" with us sooner rather then later. If she is in fact seeking PERMANENT custody then they will leave "Sadie" with her foster family until all of this can be resolved.
They hope to hear from the Aunt within the next couple of weeks (God Willing) and then we can move on from there. All we are waiting for is the Aunt to contact CAS and tell them of her intent.

Seems simple doesn't it? NOTHING IS SIMPLE IN THIS CASE.

So we continue to wait... God knows we are good at that!

Time keeps marching on...

Well mid week has come and gone and we have still not heard the results of the CAS meeting with regards to placing "Sadie" with us as a foster child - until her court case is settled on January 12th. I have e-mailed and called and left messages but I get no where fast. It is incredibly frustrating. I know this probably means "BAD NEWS". I am sure they have decided to leave "Sadie" where she is currently until her fate is decided - but I cannot help but feel this is a wrong decision. We are learning all about bonding and attachment right now (in our PRIDE training) and all the facts support moving the child as soon as possible into her forever home. The longer she stays with her foster family the harder it will be on her when it comes time to move.

We also had a big discussion last night about changing their names and how WRONG it is to do so. I have been feeling this way for a while - but Paul did not agree. I just feel that this little girl has been called "Sadie" for over 10 months now and that is her name - is it right to just take that away from her. Needless to say - I think we are now leaning towards keeping her first given name and changing her middle name. Who knows. All I know is it is way too soon to be thinking about naming her - when we can't even get her to move into her new room until the middle of January. She will be 13 months by then.

I hate that we are missing so much of her life. It breaks my heart knowing she is out there growing and learning everyday and we don't get to be a part of that.

I asked Paul last night if he thought we would end up with her in the end - and he said NO! He said that it has been road block after block and we are no further ahead then we were last March.

He may be right....but I still have faith!!!